Thursday, September 30, 2010

Figuring out where you are

I feel like we're going to have a lot of time to learn more about the students as we go on, there are quite a few characters in my classes. Lovable bunch, really. So, I was wondering what I might write about today, and I figured I'd talk a little about how to design a lit class.

Here's what I've picked up in doing it: kids gotta write. Follow the history and explain to them what's happening at the time the writings are taking place whilst teaching them the lit. Put it in context. Then start getting them writing about it. Memorizing facts is hardly helpful, unless they can apply them to the literature they're reading. They will push themselves until they can get it. I've seen a class this age begin to grasp and discuss Modernism for fuck's sake. These kids know what they're doing. Furthermore, tests suck. Make them do essays, and write with a purpose too. Teach them about proper formal writing. They will love you for it the more they go on in school.

Other than that lil nugget, everything's rather slow, once Monday rolls around and I have my kids back full time, we'll have way more to talk about. Also, tomorrow is a half day, so don't expect much about tomorrow, unless anybody has any questions or anything.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Real Actual First Day

So, technically today was the third day, but still it's all basically the same. Gonna talk a little bit about the students in my class and about some stuff that a friend of mine brought up not too long ago.

So! The classes. Right now, my first, second, and third period classes are testing (and will be doing so for the rest of the week), so I don't see them at all, and my other classes are all fucked because of it. I get to see the rest of my classes, but the morning periods are extremely long and the kids are testing in some class or other, so basically once testing is done, the rest of the day is a free day. I don't really want to start off my classes with half of them a week behind, so for now I'm just kind of doing some busy-ish work (that's still fun and stimulating) but not really useful in the grand scheme of things. Incidentally, good ideas for this kind of shit, play games. Kids love them some 7up, particularly if you're playing. Or just make up games. Or just sit and BS, tell them about yourself, let them tell you about them. Remember, these kids have just (possibly) had an awful teacher that, in addition to (possibly) sucking, sold them out and bailed. They don't trust you at all. We talked about me being in college, about what they want to do, about some guitars and music, about linguistics and how I love it, about sports, told a few funny stories, played a few games. Basically we're taking it slow. Might try for a short story or poem analysis tomorrow. I've found out that they are pretty much wrapping up Puritanism (they did some Bradford and Mather). I figure I'll close out with a smidgen of Rowlandson, maybe touch on Bradstreet a bit, and finish it off with "The Crucible." Yes, I know it's not Puritanism, but it gets the kids interested in those ideas, and then we can move right into "The Witch Trial at Mount Holly" (plus when we come into Hawthorne later, they'll thank me for it). Now, about the actual students.

You can sort of tell which class is going to be the best one. There will just be more attentive kids... sadly more white upper-class kids, less niggers, less slutty bitches (make no mistake, just because they DRESS slutty does not make it so), etc. They will be interested, they will come in wanting to learn (at least the majority will). Not all classes will be this way, in fact, most likely, none of them will. I got lucky and I have two later classes that are very much like this (4th and 6th). I haven't really met the others yet, but I can already give a few names that I'm sure will be popping up a lot. Of course, I'm not going to give actual names, but here are the few I've picked out.

Ned. Ned's a good dude, soccer player, but also a bit rowdy, he seems to be the popular leader kid though, so getting his respect is going to get me a long way in winning the rest of the obnoxious popular dudes in the class (and therefore the rest of the class).

Ted. Cohort to Ned, second ring leader. While Ned's got an inner soft-side, this guy seems like a typical jackass. Probably gonna have to gain his respect through Ned.

Katherine. Uglier chick, seems like a super bitch. Hangs out with a group of 'artsy' sort of kids, they always piss me off. They're going to be one of the worst groups, simply because they're so damn clique-y and so anti-authoritarian and crap.

There are several others, but you'll all be nicely acquainted in due time, these are just the major players so far.

Edmund. Smart kid who's been ostracized and then rehabbed into being popular. Kids like him are the fuckerest of all. They know that being smart singles them out and they're going to absolutely try their damnedest to be dumb, even if everyone else is doing fine in the class. I'm gonna have to really work to show him neat stuff and get other kids to look up to him.

Charles. Super popular, funny, seems relatively bright. He's gonna be another big player, seems like a total bro though. I doubt I'll have to work hard to gain him on my side. Good guy to have, methinks.

Finn. Friend of Charles, except a little dopier. Same thing as Ned and Ted. Need to get em both on my side.

Kady. Smart AND cute. Yeah, I said it, imagine that. A high school girl is cute. Most of these girls are hot, and we will be talking about that later. She's pretty bright though, and she damn well knows it. Not a smartass showoff, but she does know her stuff. Well engaged in whatever we happen to be doing. Excellent student.

Kacie. Hot. Stuck up. Smart. Has connections in the school district. The name of the game is "make Kacie happy." What a fun game. She seems like a good kid at heart, but these are the ones that whine about how much you suck and then write a supah sawwy note to you when you find out you've been fired, and she won't even understand why I was fired.

Jesse. Relatively cute (I know I sound like a perv, but these are the students who are popular, so they're more open to just talking about whatever, so they're the ones I'll get to know first), and extremely smart. WAY SUPER FUCKING PERFECTIONIST. She will be fun.

These kids are my morons, I'll love em, I'm sure, but fuckin morons man. Fuckin morons.

Kashyn. Hippie girl, seems relatively intelligent, but she'll be showing up to class high more than once I presume. She seems like a pretty big quitter who likes to flirt with people until she gets what she wants. She's pretty cute to boot, so I'll have to fuck around with her to get her actually engaged.

Trey. Basic nigger, at least so far. I'm sure he's a good dude at heart, and we talked about some rap and whatnot a bit, but he hasn't really opened up yet.

Darren. Trey's cohort. They're both gonna come around at the same time or so. Always fucking around with each other, probably related somehow. Have to play on that some.

Now. Before people start turning me in, remember that I said this was fiction earlier? There's a good reason I said that, because if (HYPOTHETICALLY) this were real, I could get in trouble for telling the truth. Thank god it's not. Now, you male teachers (and females if that's your thing, but I don't hear about it much from my female colleagues), don't get your panties in a bunch if you're digging some girls in your class. That's perfectly natural sweety. You're supposed to want to fuck the shit out of them. There I said it. Now, where do you draw the line? Is some flirting okay? Sure, keep it PG though. Don't EVER cross any line that you wouldn't say to a hot cousin at the Thanksgiving table. Your students will be throwing it back, and you've gotta want to keep them somewhat interested until they start to see that you're more of a trustworthy authority figure, not a good fuck. I know you're walking a dangerous line, but you'll see what I'm getting at later.

Some girls are going to step up the game, don't. Back down. You lose. You wanna know why? God and everybody hates you. You are a pervert fiend as of right now. You know how you combat that? Tell everybody everything. Make teaching friends, have a mentor in the school. Whatever you do or say to students that might be even possibly construed as bad, tell everyone you know. Don't brag about it. When shit hits the fan though, and that super slutty girl you thought you might have just had something with rats you out, you can bring all your teachers to the front. "What? Mr. Soandso? Oh no, he was well aware of the situation, as was I. He made sure to handle it the best he could." Stupid slut goes to jail, etc. Trust me, communication is your friend. Evidence is your friend. You should be building a defense against every single female student you have. Every. Single. One. Take notes of what they say when you can hear em whispering. Any embarrassing thing someone says to get back at a girl, take it down. Share that shit with people you can trust. I was walking past a girl last year, she was standing up and facing away working on a project. My hand brushed her ass slightly (I'm talking not enough to really even notice it). I told at least two people and asked if I should file an informal report. This is a war, particularly in this day and age, and you need to be prepared. Any slutty girls reading this, understand that this is standard practice. We are taught this in school. We are on to your shit.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

First Day

This weekend I flew home, smoked a bunch of... stuff, and drank a shitton. Then I caught a flight back and now I want to kill myself. Monday and today have been extremely taxing and my homework is piling up. I just wanted to sorta post that I'll be updating pretty much everything tomorrow. Basically, I haven't forgotten about this lil thang yet. Bear with me.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Where are you going, Where have you been?

So, just went in and raided everything, figured out mah surroundings. Here's what my supplies will be. I have one teacher's desk, one computer, one printer (all three shitty), an old TV and VCR, an old overhead projector, a projection screen with one side falling out of the wall, air conditioning (thank fucking god), and about 30 students desks. The room is huge and has basically no decorations or any shit on it. As far as books go, I've got basically nothing but the same shit they always do, which I'll be talking with other teachers about as I go. As I've already mentioned, I'll have six classes and one planning period (right after lunch, super long naptime fuck yes). My classes are like this:

Period 1: Honors (American Lit, 10th graders)
Period 2: Honors
Period 3: CP (dumbass negros who won't give a shit)
Period 4: Honors
Period 5: Nothing at all
Period 6: Honors
Period 7: CP

Now, since I'm trying to give a leel beet o' advice for ye, I'll talk about transitions. First impressions are everything. Particularly since this teacher left these guys outright. They're going to feel abandoned, they're going to feel like they weren't worth whatever trouble they were OR that they are fated to be abandoned, especially since they're adolescents. So what am I going to do? First, I'm going to show them I'm a good guy, how do I do this? Refer to yesterday's post, I've gotta be cool and smart. First thing I'll do is come at them like an asshole. Since I'm younger, I'm going to act like I'm a super butthurt asshole whose only goal is to fuck them over. "My name is Mr. Griswold, I will be your new American Literature teacher, get out your notebooks." Then the first student who says shit, you grab a discipline report paper off your huge pile (which you MUST have to maintain order) and start writing him up. Halfway through just be like "NAW SYKE, WHATCHALL BEEN DOIN THO FORREAL?" or something. Show them you are so punk rawk and rebel. This is why you do the recon beforehand.

Right after you act like a total bro, get em laughing a lil bit, make some jokes (don't target any student yet, they're still a bit worried about you as a person) and then launch into something like "Well where have you guys been? Whatcha been learning? What kind of work has it been? (that last one is very very important, depending on the answer, and how the answer is given, you're going to know whether or not they liked it, probably they won't.) From there, start teasing them with some stuffs. "Oh so you're doing Puritanism? Ya'll study Salem yet? How about 'The Witch Trial at Mount Holly'?" This will be followed by "wat" at which point you can launch into how crazy you are about lit and how much you know. "WHAT? YOU GUYS DUNNO ABOUT THAT? LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT SOME BEN FRANKLIN YO." Etc. Also, if you are doing Brit Lit, LEARN SOME OLD ENGLISH AND READ SOME BEOWULF OR SOMETHING. Nothing shocks kids like hearing a crisp strong HWAET! early in the morning. Get everyone involved in the conversation, start learning names, they'll love the attention. You can do introductions on the first day or not, or just sorta use the day to talk to em. Don't hit em with expectations yet though, you're gonna wanna do that after a few days, make it seem like you're flying by the seat of your pants, like they have some control over their curriculum (they don't, but if they think they do, they're yours).

Finally, for the nigger classes, RELATE RELATE RELATE. "Hey guys, sup whatcha learning, whatcha do for fun, whatchat listen to?" "Aw mistah fuckface, I be lissnen ta dat Drake and shit." "Ah. Drake eh? Well, I prefer me some Bone Thugz but to each his own." "Wat, yall like dem?" "STANDIN ON THE CAHNAH STRAIGHT SLANGIN... yeah, I like em." or whatever. If you don't like rap, learn to. Also, these guys are gonna be the hardest kids to break. You wanna talk about a kid that's been fucked over since birth. You HAVE to relate to them and foster a sense of trust. Find out what they want to do and apply what you're teaching to that. Focus on grammar and whatnot for jobs if they want, don't be afraid of what they can do though. As cliche as it is, let them poetically analyze rap lyrics or w/e (not at first of course).

I'm kind of pressed for time today, gotta get drankin for my very last weekend of freedom, but I'll be sure to cover on this stuff later. Any questions, don't be afraid to comment. Oh, and I was just kidding about that dranking thing. I wouldn't stop just because I'm starting to teach.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Some preliminaries

Talked to that teacher today, I'll be getting a basic class roster the day I show up. Pretty much par for the course, though I'll be able to run in at some point tomorrow and grab the work that the last teacher was finishing up with. Turns out I'll be doing American Lit. I'll have 4 honors courses (primarily 10th with some 11th) and 2 CP (11th).

Oh. Before I go on, I feel it's necessary for me to say this now, because what I'm going to say is not the kind of shit that should be said... so IT'S ALL FAKE. I don't want to hear about anybody calling the cops on me for what I do, er, pretend to do. Whatever. It's my disclaimer, take it as you want. If you still want to believe me though, I'm not stopping you.

Seems that where the last teacher left off is at the ass-end of Puritan writings. Fun stuff. Probably start the Crucible next.

Anyways, I've been thinking about what might make this post worthwhile, and since I reckon I'll have two demographics, teachers and students, I figured I'd hit em both.

Tips for students:

1. Don't be a nigger or a dumb slut. If you're black and you walk into my classroom, I automatically lose about 50% respect in you as a person. I know it's shitty, but tough luck. You want to know how you can solve this? Don't act like a nigger or dumb slut in my class. If you wanna dress like a whore, I have no problem with that (99% of the time, it can even help your grade), but don't for the love of god be a dumb slut. I got into this profession because I love literature and I love the English language. If I loved being around kids I'd be an elementary teacher... or a sped teacher. I hate kids, I love the subject. Essentially what it boils down to is don't be a super faggot.

2. Be a bro. Remember how you were slightly nerdy in high school? (I know this because you're actually reading a blog) You used to think the teacher loved your advanced sense of humor and appreciation of the subject. Secretly, even though he laughed at them, the teacher really hated those jocky morons. Bullshit. The best of my students were bros to the max. Played on the school sports teams, had girls fawning over them, talked loudly about how drunk or high they got that weekend, that kinda shit. I'm not saying that you should only do that, but if you show some interest in my subject and are interesting to talk to outside of class (have funny stories, can actually carry on a decent conversation about non-nerdy shit) then I like you. The big point I'm making with this one is that it's pretty unbearable for teachers to deal with students who annoy them with nerdy ass diatribes about how they hate dumb students and how playing Xbox makes you something special.

3. Don't cheat. Seriously. Don't fucking do it. You're so ridiculously easy to catch it's not even amusing. This one also refers to rule 1. Of my classes last year, about 75% of the cheaters were also consistently mad-niggerish. Fuck sake, every time I read something that doesn't sound like you, a 20 second Googling is enough to implicate you. Hell, the only reason some kids got away with it last year was because I was too goddamn lazy to walk the 2 minutes to the library and find the literary criticism book on Faulkner.

Rules for teachers:

1. Don't give homework. I know you think that nothing ever gets done with meaningless morning quizzes on reading and that the best way to do things is give kids engaging homework that interests them. You have to grade that shit. Not just once. Not twenty times. One hundred times. For every assignment you hand out, ask yourself "Do I want to spend four hours drinking with friends and playing video games and having sex (with friends or not, I'm not judging you, man), or do I want to spend it grading the same fucking paper over and over again?" You don't want the latter. Just give kids essays that you only have to read once (and really only skim based on who talks to you about what topics) and explain shit in class. Class is class, home is home.

2. Don't get risque with doucher students. If a student looks like a faggot who can't handle a gay joke in class, don't say it. Wait till he's out. Wait till all those sensitive bitches are out to be bros with your kids. You will save yourself a lot of hassle. I've called numerous students gay, IN FRONT OF OTHER STUDENTS. I've called people morons, idiots, jagoffs, whatever. Just know who it's cool to do it with and who it isn't. Also, never insult girls (this rule doesn't work the opposite way, that is with a female teacher and male students. They don't give a fuck what you call them. Unless you're super ugly and bitchy.)

3. Use everything you've got against your students. People always talk about how you're on the same team. Bullshit. No student wants to learn, and you have to do everything you can to make them learn. Be knowledgeable. Nothing impresses a dude more than him being a smarmy fuck and asking "Well yeah, but what happens when blah blah blah?" and you answering him instantly with a dead-pan face. First, the bastard will learn not to showoff, second, everyone else will realize you know your shit. Be cool. Smoke outside of school, ride a motorcycle, whatever. Make them want to be you. Bonus points here if you can pull off the attitude. Nothing makes a kid want to emulate you and learn more than a "FUCK YOU AUTHORITY" attitude. Not to mention it'll energize them. The best class is the class they leave highlighting. "Holy crap, did you see him jump out of the FUCKING WINDOW" is a thousand times better than "I'm sick and tired [topic they are learning]." Finally, and this is part of being cool, but particularly tailored for students of the opposite sex. Be sexy. If girls want to fuck you, they will want to impress you, and therefore they will want to learn the shit you say. A simple "Yeah, my girlfriend is really into literature, it's what I love most about her," followed two days later by some offhand breakup comment and those girls will be LEARNING THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING.

This post isn't really going anywhere today, but I'll be taking a look at exactly where the last teacher left off tomorrow, so expect some comments on that.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Purpose

Well, this blog finally has a reasonable purpose.

I'm in school to be a high school English teacher. In the state I'm in, it doesn't require that you have a degree to substitute, and since I've got a high school diploma, I'm basically certified. I love this state. I've met a substitute teacher that is literally retarded. Seriously. She can't function properly. She teaches children. Anyways, I'm a substitute teacher, and I've got some decent experience. Last summer, once college had almost let out, while high school was still in session, I got tapped to do a long term job. Basically, two teachers had walked out on a class within a year and they weren't going to hire a teacher for the final month. It was good experience and it showed me how much I hate kids, how much I hate teaching, how much I hate teachers, and how much shit I can get away with. It was a good year. I got to hang with some cool students, make fun of others, give kids HW I didn't grade. Full-on fuckery. Yeah, teachers really are assholes. Y'know how you get convinced that a teacher hates you and is plotting against you? You're right. I hate you. My goal in life is to make yours miserable.

They called me this morning to do another job. A teacher that they were expecting to leave after Christmas just called and said they weren't going to be able to make it next week, or any time after that. Guess who they called to finish the semester. Fuck yeah, I get a cool 75 bucks a day to deal with the lil fuckers and basically screw around. I've talked to most of my professors and the classes that weren't already in the evening can be worked around. I love being a suckup student.

Anyways, this is going to be a blog about teaching. I'm going to let you in on all my dirty little secrets as a teacher, and to any aspiring teachers, no matter how naive you are when it comes to teaching and this ridiculous ideal of loving every kid and giving every special flower attention, I'll be giving you special tips. I learned the hard way how to fake grade assignments. Took me about two nights of get home, grade, eat, grade, sleep go to school, repeat before I figured that out. Took me about a week before I realized that I could half-ass just about everything. Now I'm going to let you in on the secret, and who knows, maybe the little cocks will be halfway entertaining.

PS I'll be going in for my first day Monday, still gotta smooth out some shit at college and get ready some. You can't literally just go in with no lesson plan. Actually you can. But I'd like to know a little bit about the class I'm teaching. Sun Tzu once said it, and I live by it. "It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles"

TL;DR I am a teacher and I looooove kids.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

What the fuck?

So, I've never blogged before, but I'm fairly certain I just added myself as a follower. I don't give a shit about social sites, and really the only reason I'm blogging is so I can make some money. In fact I'm really hoping people give a fuck about what I whine about. Question though: Google, does it seem like a good idea to even allow people to follow themselves? What kind of narcissism are you trying to breed here? Is it an attempt to foster the adolescent girl's dream of the world literally orbiting around them (yeah, the world orbits around something, doesn't revolve around anything but an axis, dipshits). I know the internet is pretty idiot friendly, but really, someone needs to check this shit. Could I follow me following me? Could I follow me following me following me? I want to make a post and have 7,000 new emails letting me know that I just posted. In case I forgot that I posted. Come to think about it, unless you're targeting 14 year old girls, the only real target for this entire concept is... people with Alzheimer's. What do you have against old people with aluminum in their brains Google? What did they ever do to you?


I was talking with some folks today at my local institution of higher learning. The desultory talk kind of roamed around and around until we eventually got to the topic of conspiracies. I forget how we got there. I feel like the reason was relevant to the understanding of my post, but fuck you, the reader. Anyways. Turns out like all of my friends believe in government conspiracies. Not conspiracies like "Facebook is taking your personal information and selling it to the government and advertising agencies." No. As it turns out, my friends, well my acquaintances now. My group of people I ignore when it comes to topics of any importance, believe that there are people in charge of the world. They believe that a group of nearly omniscient people run almost every important government on Earth. They believe that China, America, England, Russia, Kyrgyzstan and all the other countries that manage to influence every person on this rock are all run by some shadowy group of Illuminati or something. Jesus fuck. What about humanity suggests that we could possibly control the world. Bill Clinton could not cover up a dick sucking. Do you know how easy that shit is to keep on the DL? God, I managed to do it with my best friend's girlfriend for months without getting caught. Getting blown that is. I wasn't secretly President of a two-person country. Seriously though, can you imagine what kind of intelligence it would take to run the world? We can't even figure out how to make toilet paper more efficient. We are still literally grabbing a tissue, putting it on our fingers like a glove made of water, and shoving it inside of our assholes. Assholes covered in poop no less. I wish I could plan a conspiracy. I wish I knew anyone who could plan a conspiracy. Hell, if you have any conspiracies, let me in, just so I can say I conspired against someone. By the way, for those of you that believe the CIA has the resources to conspire against you, don't forget Project MKULTRA. Where they believed they could control people's minds by playing the same message over and over again for about 17 hours a day. I dunno about you, but after the 16th hour of hearing "YOU ARE A SLAVE, YOU LIVE TO SERVE THE GOVERNMENT," I think I might pick up on the subtle manipulation. Conspiracy theorists. Awesome.