Thursday, September 23, 2010

Some preliminaries

Talked to that teacher today, I'll be getting a basic class roster the day I show up. Pretty much par for the course, though I'll be able to run in at some point tomorrow and grab the work that the last teacher was finishing up with. Turns out I'll be doing American Lit. I'll have 4 honors courses (primarily 10th with some 11th) and 2 CP (11th).

Oh. Before I go on, I feel it's necessary for me to say this now, because what I'm going to say is not the kind of shit that should be said... so IT'S ALL FAKE. I don't want to hear about anybody calling the cops on me for what I do, er, pretend to do. Whatever. It's my disclaimer, take it as you want. If you still want to believe me though, I'm not stopping you.

Seems that where the last teacher left off is at the ass-end of Puritan writings. Fun stuff. Probably start the Crucible next.

Anyways, I've been thinking about what might make this post worthwhile, and since I reckon I'll have two demographics, teachers and students, I figured I'd hit em both.

Tips for students:

1. Don't be a nigger or a dumb slut. If you're black and you walk into my classroom, I automatically lose about 50% respect in you as a person. I know it's shitty, but tough luck. You want to know how you can solve this? Don't act like a nigger or dumb slut in my class. If you wanna dress like a whore, I have no problem with that (99% of the time, it can even help your grade), but don't for the love of god be a dumb slut. I got into this profession because I love literature and I love the English language. If I loved being around kids I'd be an elementary teacher... or a sped teacher. I hate kids, I love the subject. Essentially what it boils down to is don't be a super faggot.

2. Be a bro. Remember how you were slightly nerdy in high school? (I know this because you're actually reading a blog) You used to think the teacher loved your advanced sense of humor and appreciation of the subject. Secretly, even though he laughed at them, the teacher really hated those jocky morons. Bullshit. The best of my students were bros to the max. Played on the school sports teams, had girls fawning over them, talked loudly about how drunk or high they got that weekend, that kinda shit. I'm not saying that you should only do that, but if you show some interest in my subject and are interesting to talk to outside of class (have funny stories, can actually carry on a decent conversation about non-nerdy shit) then I like you. The big point I'm making with this one is that it's pretty unbearable for teachers to deal with students who annoy them with nerdy ass diatribes about how they hate dumb students and how playing Xbox makes you something special.

3. Don't cheat. Seriously. Don't fucking do it. You're so ridiculously easy to catch it's not even amusing. This one also refers to rule 1. Of my classes last year, about 75% of the cheaters were also consistently mad-niggerish. Fuck sake, every time I read something that doesn't sound like you, a 20 second Googling is enough to implicate you. Hell, the only reason some kids got away with it last year was because I was too goddamn lazy to walk the 2 minutes to the library and find the literary criticism book on Faulkner.

Rules for teachers:

1. Don't give homework. I know you think that nothing ever gets done with meaningless morning quizzes on reading and that the best way to do things is give kids engaging homework that interests them. You have to grade that shit. Not just once. Not twenty times. One hundred times. For every assignment you hand out, ask yourself "Do I want to spend four hours drinking with friends and playing video games and having sex (with friends or not, I'm not judging you, man), or do I want to spend it grading the same fucking paper over and over again?" You don't want the latter. Just give kids essays that you only have to read once (and really only skim based on who talks to you about what topics) and explain shit in class. Class is class, home is home.

2. Don't get risque with doucher students. If a student looks like a faggot who can't handle a gay joke in class, don't say it. Wait till he's out. Wait till all those sensitive bitches are out to be bros with your kids. You will save yourself a lot of hassle. I've called numerous students gay, IN FRONT OF OTHER STUDENTS. I've called people morons, idiots, jagoffs, whatever. Just know who it's cool to do it with and who it isn't. Also, never insult girls (this rule doesn't work the opposite way, that is with a female teacher and male students. They don't give a fuck what you call them. Unless you're super ugly and bitchy.)

3. Use everything you've got against your students. People always talk about how you're on the same team. Bullshit. No student wants to learn, and you have to do everything you can to make them learn. Be knowledgeable. Nothing impresses a dude more than him being a smarmy fuck and asking "Well yeah, but what happens when blah blah blah?" and you answering him instantly with a dead-pan face. First, the bastard will learn not to showoff, second, everyone else will realize you know your shit. Be cool. Smoke outside of school, ride a motorcycle, whatever. Make them want to be you. Bonus points here if you can pull off the attitude. Nothing makes a kid want to emulate you and learn more than a "FUCK YOU AUTHORITY" attitude. Not to mention it'll energize them. The best class is the class they leave highlighting. "Holy crap, did you see him jump out of the FUCKING WINDOW" is a thousand times better than "I'm sick and tired [topic they are learning]." Finally, and this is part of being cool, but particularly tailored for students of the opposite sex. Be sexy. If girls want to fuck you, they will want to impress you, and therefore they will want to learn the shit you say. A simple "Yeah, my girlfriend is really into literature, it's what I love most about her," followed two days later by some offhand breakup comment and those girls will be LEARNING THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING.

This post isn't really going anywhere today, but I'll be taking a look at exactly where the last teacher left off tomorrow, so expect some comments on that.


  1. "Don't be a nigger or a dumb slut."
    Welp, there goes half of my high school.