Sorry folks

I know I didn't update yesterday, and I know today isn't going to be what I promised. I have a hugeass research grant request to get in by the 14th though and I'm still working on my fucking budget, so bear with me. Plus I spent all weekend drunk or hungover. This next weekend looks very similar. I will super seriously try to have the schedule typed out and up tomorrow (though tomorrow's update is going to be late at night, sorry, that's just the way it is). If not, it WILL be up over the weekend (maybe).

Made a student cry today. Poor ol' Shauna. We were talking about them essays and I had given them some rough drafting to do over the weekend. She came up to me during class free time to look at each others' essays (yes, the motivated students actually will do this) and started asking about the essays, clarifying. She was stressed as all hell, looking at me through that sort of cracking veneer of smiling psychosis that people get. Yknow how someone's sorta smiling just a little too much and their eyes are just a little too glisten-ey? She started asking if they all had to be as long as I'd said, what kinda sources they'd need, basic shit. I told her yes and she started talking about how much trouble she'd had formulating any ideas and how she'd basically gotten nothing but a bunch of crap scribbled hastily down. At this point, I could tell she was gonna crack, so obviously I started to try to console her. "It's gonna be okay, don't worry, you'll see that everything's gonna work out alright. You're gonna come out a stronger writer than you think. Etc." She smiled and sucked it up, but not before letting a few tears spill. I told her she could use the restroom if she liked, which she did indeed do, and that she needed to calm down because she was going to do way better than she thought, and I'm damn sure she will. She's a fine student. This brings me to an important topic though, the overly emotional student. Whether they're crying for sorrow, fear, anger, or whatever, they need to be dealt with in a certain manner.

First, assess for danger. If a kid looks like he's damn near ready to chuck a desk or... has already chucked a desk (which is fucking fun for the teacher), you may just have to take action. Who knew. Now, clearly, if they're pissed and chuck something across the room and storm out, you wanna go out there, have them chill out, but the danger is over. What you have to worry about is if a student is going to be hurting other kids. Hate to say it, but you won't know what's happening until halfway through. If a kid is pissed, you're not gonna see it welling up in a room of 20 of the fuckers. They'll just snap and you'll see a book sailing across the room. Get authoritative. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON" always works, or something like that. Watch your swears, but they'll be an effective tool at this crucial time. Now. Taking down a student. If it's a typical fight, go get another teacher or have the kids break it up, don't dirty your hands with grabbing a student, of course try to get in the way a little bit, but don't go throwing kids around. That's inviting a lawsuit. If a kid is going fucking nuts though, take em down. If they have a weapon, you take that fucker the shit fucking shit out. So, that's how you handle a violent problem in the middle of violence. Sometimes you will see it welling up, the kid'll walk in late beet red and breathing through clenched teeth (which incidentally is the funniest fucking thing ever, especially since you know they think they look sooper serriuz guys). Take them outside and say something like "You need to talk, need me to leave you alone, need to go somewhere or just need a handshake (or any sign of affection, though if you're a male teacher, hugs are reaaaaaalllllyyyyyy dangerous)." Quick and easy and nips the problem before it gets serious. Notice how I basically did this with Shauna today, saw what she was having problems and addressed them. Even though I was the cause of the problems, I was able to set myself up as the caring loving teacher that was there for her and only her. Not only is this going to build her trust in me, but it's going to set the essays up as some foe against me and her together. Slowly she'll come around to the concept of the essays as help, but for now, it's me and her vs. the world. Pretty much the epitome of the teenage girl's mind. Any more questions on this stuff, I'd love to cover.

Also, otters are fucking awesome creatures. They use their bellies as plates. How crazy is that shit?

Useless Part Two

Well, I've legit got nothing to talk about today or tomorrow unless you guys want me to touch on anything. Go ahead and leave some comments on what you might want me to talk about and I can try to do a post about it this evening or tomorrow during school.

Useless update

I think that we're going to sorta just watch “The Crucible” and point out some stuff until Friday and Monday I'll go ahead and start pushing forward. Granted, I'm going to be basically going by the seat of my pants (because I have no idea what they've done so far and what they'll need), I should still be able to give you guys an outline of what I'm gonna be doing. I think I might have to work out a way to do grammar Tuesdays or something as well. I figure I'll also try to give personal anecdotes and how I handle them with each post. This week's suck, and for this I apologize, it's a long and hard thing though and I'm basically planning an entire semester of classes (or half at least) and applying for a research grant and taking midterms and writing essays and all kinds of shit. So, come Monday, expect more personal anecdotes, more great stories and tips, and a more solid lesson plan. For reals.

Not too much today...

Whoo boy. Been kind of a long day and I'm not sure how much I want to write (seeing as I've still got like two lesson plans to make for college and a friggin midterm tomorrow). I reckon I'll talk a little bit about two things, one stereotyping, and two, setting long term goals.

Someone mentioned in a comment on my last post that it was interesting to see how I stereotyped students and based my approaches to them on the stereotypes. It's funny, but it's also absolutely true. Kids are all relatively the same in that they are completely different in being the same, if that makes sense. Every kid at that age has one thing on the mind, fitting in. Everything they do is a variation of this single theme, so you've got to play to that. You have to give them love and acceptance (FUCK YEAH KID LOVIN) and help to foster a sense of self-worth in them. In order to do this, you gotta understand what the best way to reach a kid will be. Granted, sometimes the best way is to just fuck off and let em do their own thing. But for the most part, there are in fact certain tactics to getting a kid to open up. The smart loser who is integrating into the popular crowd knows what it's like to be alienated, so he's going to try to specifically not apply himself in school work. The popular girl that's popular for how wide her legs spread knows that she is in fact only used for sex, so if you approve of the things she can do in classes, she's going to seek that positive attention. Etc.

Now when I say I'm talking about long term goals, I mean the actual setting of the goals. Make explicitly clear to the kids what is happening. I did this today, and I started them off (besides beginning watching “The Crucible”) with a little writing assignment. Essentially, this is their final exam for my portion of the class. They will turn in four essays, 3 2-3 page essays and 1 4-5 page essay arguing a point about any of the literature we discuss. One will be based on Romanticism, one on Puritanism, one on Neo-Classicism (or Transcendentalism if they're feeling rowdy), and one on poetry of any type (the 4-5 pager). They will have two chances to turn in each paper for teacher review before their final submission. After two revisions, I will only accept the final copy. If they would like to schedule meetings with me though, I will be open for that. This gives them a deadline and allows them to achieve it before it is necessarily time to hit it hard. The earlier they turn the work in, the better I will grade it (providing of course they have actually turned in good work). Setting clear goals like this (and sending them home in hard copy) lets the kids and the parents know what they are doing right off the bat. I've asked them to write for me a one-page paper on what they know about Puritan logic is like as far as they know. This is due tomorrow, and I've explicitly stated that it will probably be one of the things they turn into a real paper. I guarantee most of them will suck, but only through suck... can they grow.

Let the games begin.

So, had my first three periods for the first time today. I reckon I can talk about some of the students in em a little bit first, then we'll talk about implementing that ever so important writing I was talking about. I'll also try to give you guys a little bit of a plan of what I'm doing here. My ultimate goal is to be brushing the ass-end of Romanticism and metaphysical poetry and whatnot right before Xmas break. I figure I'll wrap up with Walt Whitman and leave the buggers able to tool with him again after the Civil War.

Period 1:

Tina. She's gonna be one of the most fun students I have I think. She's really energetic and really knows how to take a joke (which can be a huge problem with female students, as I believe I've mentioned, if not lemme know). She's very bright as well, and she seems eager to learn.

Adam. Adam's a pretty cool seeming dude. Seems very much like one of those emo kids you remember, but he also seems like he's going to apply himself and work to impress me, both good qualities.

Triana. She's a super suckup, and you can tell that the other students hate her from the very first. These ones are the toughest ones to teach sometimes, especially if they start having trouble with stuff. They don't take failure well and they're very prone to social isolation (and they have a superiority complex the size of Texas, which doesn't help things). We will be covering her type more as we go on, I'm sure.

Whole class. It's a pretty good class. Small. Mostly smart. It's good stuff, really. I think the hardest thing I'll have to overcome in reaching this class is getting them school oriented first thing in the morning. It's gonna be tough, but I loves em already.

Period 2:

Alysia. Bubbly white girl. Smart. Annoying. Talks a lot, but still tries to be good. She's going to be breaking little rules all the time (no eating in class, no hats, that sort of gay shit). The problem with these students is that it's nearly impossible to set a middle ground for both of you, she will be constantly forcing you to take ridiculous measures of action against her.

Keisha. Cohort to Alysia. There's really not much more to say, they're both the exact goddamn same.

Shauna. This one's a good student. She's one of those picture perfect innocent girls that haven't been spoiled yet. This can be good and bad. She's going to be super endearing and her naivety will be both refreshing and a great tool (she'll ask questions that nobody else wants to broach). She's smart, but also a bit ditzy. She's going to be very emotional though, and very prone to stress, which is bad. I will guarantee that she will be one of the worst offenders of grade grubbing (I say that not in a necessarily pejorative sense, but moreso in the sense that she will just try her damnedest, including emailing me every five minutes asking if 'this is right' and if 'this needs work.')

Rex. Rex basically doesn't give a fuck while simultaneously giving a fuck. He's a smart guy, but he'd rather smoke and show up halfway through class than apply himself. I'll get to talking with him later about more in depth stuff and I'm sure he'll respond some, but it's gonna be a tricky thing.

Whole class. The whole class, in general, is very slacker friendly. These seem to be primarily the kids who are in the gifted program because mommy and daddy said so. They'll be a super pain in the ass, but at the same time, the social interactions between students will facilitate some issues rather well. Getting into debates and whatnot will be pretty fun with a lot of vocal students.

Period 3:

Shakina. Fat black bitch. She's the ringleader of the class. I will absolutely need to break her (or win her heart) to get control of this class. She's very vocal about everything, has had a tough time, and I can already see that she's gonna try to fake melt for me (that sappy shit you see in movies where the students' hearts are melted by a loving teacher). She's gonna act like we've reached some meaningful thing so I won't be hard on her. This will be fun, I'm quite certain.

Davis. Gang member. He's in the Bloods, I can tell already. That's going to be fun dealing with. We will certainly be talking about meddling in students' lives way more because of him. I'm not going to say how I know (I'm not going to endanger anyone), but there are signs and he's showing a lot of em. Talk to the local cop station, or just ask around at the school for gang awareness stuff. You will be fucking surprised. It's insane.

Pat. Pat's got a pretty big disability. It's essentially a speech impediment that I suspect to be compounded with cognitive problems. He could be a fetal alcohol baby? He comes from a pretty rednecky seeming background, which kind of supports the theory. Half of the stuff he says comes out garbled and nearly impossible to translate, the other half is hardly a thought at all. He's going to be an interesting case.

Whole period. Overall, this will be, by far, my worst worst worst period. There are like 10 kids in it, and they're all ghetto fucking assholes. I'm gonna really have to work to relate stuff to them.

As far as my plans and my day. Here's what I've done. I've decided that we're going to do a historical reactive sorta concept. I'll spend the week or two ahead finishing Puritanism (the less we spend the better, and we may just watch “The Crucible”) and making sure they understand it. Then move on to N-C, then some transcendentalism, then finally Romanticism (make sure to spend only a little time on this, and for god's sake, don't make em read a novel. Short stories and poetry are where the Romantics shine, don't ruin that). I've not worked out what I'll use, but keep in mind, I'm strictly bound by what has been approved. It can be a real cock-stain trying to get something taught only to find halfway through that you're no longer allowed to be teaching it. So that's my plan for that. As far as (final) assessment goes, I'll probably have a small, easy, multiple choice quiz for the final with like 4 supplemental papers. If they get the papers to the point of 'perfection,' I'll take em in early and give em credit. First come first serve on my editing, and I will only edit any given paper two times before taking it in. They get one pre-write, then turn it in. I'll point out major flaws and shit. They revise the ENTIRE fucking thing, and get it back to me, assuming it's structurally and organizationally sound, I work on grammar/style/conventions/etc. They turn it in and I give em a grade. Done. I'm certain we will need to have a writing workshop though. I'm thinking we will be doing at least one research aspect too (for any one of the papers). I'm going to be laying this on them soon, probably Wednesday.

As far as today goes, I went through and basically worked out what the year was going to be with them. Give them a chance to explore their destiny some, let them know some stuff they might be interested in. Make sure that they're assessing themselves as well. So, where did you guys leave off with Ms. Last-Teacher? What all can you tell me about Puritans? Did you know this? Why were they fleeing? What's Henry VIII have to do with it? That kinda stuff. It's helping me know what they know, helping them understand that they know stuff, and giving us all a sense of camaraderie as we assault the toughie that is Puritan writing.

How to get em interested

One of the toughest things about teaching is getting kids interested. To this end, I've got only really one major suggestion. Make them proud about what they're doing. That doesn't mean be retarded and ridiculous and give them a prize or a cookie for a good test grade, they know that you're faking it then. Really, what you should be doing is pitting them against each other. "Were the Puritans right in their treatment of the Indians?" "FUCK NO" "YES HUH" It's debate time, fuckers. Final destination. Five minutes to prepare. No logical fallacies. Then pick a winner and tell them why. You're going to teach them logic, public speaking, and make them want to earn your appreciation like hell. Not much, but I'll be able to describe it in action later I'm sure.

Figuring out where you are

I feel like we're going to have a lot of time to learn more about the students as we go on, there are quite a few characters in my classes. Lovable bunch, really. So, I was wondering what I might write about today, and I figured I'd talk a little about how to design a lit class.

Here's what I've picked up in doing it: kids gotta write. Follow the history and explain to them what's happening at the time the writings are taking place whilst teaching them the lit. Put it in context. Then start getting them writing about it. Memorizing facts is hardly helpful, unless they can apply them to the literature they're reading. They will push themselves until they can get it. I've seen a class this age begin to grasp and discuss Modernism for fuck's sake. These kids know what they're doing. Furthermore, tests suck. Make them do essays, and write with a purpose too. Teach them about proper formal writing. They will love you for it the more they go on in school.

Other than that lil nugget, everything's rather slow, once Monday rolls around and I have my kids back full time, we'll have way more to talk about. Also, tomorrow is a half day, so don't expect much about tomorrow, unless anybody has any questions or anything.

Real Actual First Day

So, technically today was the third day, but still it's all basically the same. Gonna talk a little bit about the students in my class and about some stuff that a friend of mine brought up not too long ago.

So! The classes. Right now, my first, second, and third period classes are testing (and will be doing so for the rest of the week), so I don't see them at all, and my other classes are all fucked because of it. I get to see the rest of my classes, but the morning periods are extremely long and the kids are testing in some class or other, so basically once testing is done, the rest of the day is a free day. I don't really want to start off my classes with half of them a week behind, so for now I'm just kind of doing some busy-ish work (that's still fun and stimulating) but not really useful in the grand scheme of things. Incidentally, good ideas for this kind of shit, play games. Kids love them some 7up, particularly if you're playing. Or just make up games. Or just sit and BS, tell them about yourself, let them tell you about them. Remember, these kids have just (possibly) had an awful teacher that, in addition to (possibly) sucking, sold them out and bailed. They don't trust you at all. We talked about me being in college, about what they want to do, about some guitars and music, about linguistics and how I love it, about sports, told a few funny stories, played a few games. Basically we're taking it slow. Might try for a short story or poem analysis tomorrow. I've found out that they are pretty much wrapping up Puritanism (they did some Bradford and Mather). I figure I'll close out with a smidgen of Rowlandson, maybe touch on Bradstreet a bit, and finish it off with "The Crucible." Yes, I know it's not Puritanism, but it gets the kids interested in those ideas, and then we can move right into "The Witch Trial at Mount Holly" (plus when we come into Hawthorne later, they'll thank me for it). Now, about the actual students.

You can sort of tell which class is going to be the best one. There will just be more attentive kids... sadly more white upper-class kids, less niggers, less slutty bitches (make no mistake, just because they DRESS slutty does not make it so), etc. They will be interested, they will come in wanting to learn (at least the majority will). Not all classes will be this way, in fact, most likely, none of them will. I got lucky and I have two later classes that are very much like this (4th and 6th). I haven't really met the others yet, but I can already give a few names that I'm sure will be popping up a lot. Of course, I'm not going to give actual names, but here are the few I've picked out.

4th:
Ned. Ned's a good dude, soccer player, but also a bit rowdy, he seems to be the popular leader kid though, so getting his respect is going to get me a long way in winning the rest of the obnoxious popular dudes in the class (and therefore the rest of the class).

Ted. Cohort to Ned, second ring leader. While Ned's got an inner soft-side, this guy seems like a typical jackass. Probably gonna have to gain his respect through Ned.

Katherine. Uglier chick, seems like a super bitch. Hangs out with a group of 'artsy' sort of kids, they always piss me off. They're going to be one of the worst groups, simply because they're so damn clique-y and so anti-authoritarian and crap.

There are several others, but you'll all be nicely acquainted in due time, these are just the major players so far.

6th:
Edmund. Smart kid who's been ostracized and then rehabbed into being popular. Kids like him are the fuckerest of all. They know that being smart singles them out and they're going to absolutely try their damnedest to be dumb, even if everyone else is doing fine in the class. I'm gonna have to really work to show him neat stuff and get other kids to look up to him.

Charles. Super popular, funny, seems relatively bright. He's gonna be another big player, seems like a total bro though. I doubt I'll have to work hard to gain him on my side. Good guy to have, methinks.

Finn. Friend of Charles, except a little dopier. Same thing as Ned and Ted. Need to get em both on my side.

Kady. Smart AND cute. Yeah, I said it, imagine that. A high school girl is cute. Most of these girls are hot, and we will be talking about that later. She's pretty bright though, and she damn well knows it. Not a smartass showoff, but she does know her stuff. Well engaged in whatever we happen to be doing. Excellent student.

Kacie. Hot. Stuck up. Smart. Has connections in the school district. The name of the game is "make Kacie happy." What a fun game. She seems like a good kid at heart, but these are the ones that whine about how much you suck and then write a supah sawwy note to you when you find out you've been fired, and she won't even understand why I was fired.

Jesse. Relatively cute (I know I sound like a perv, but these are the students who are popular, so they're more open to just talking about whatever, so they're the ones I'll get to know first), and extremely smart. WAY SUPER FUCKING PERFECTIONIST. She will be fun.

7th.
These kids are my morons, I'll love em, I'm sure, but fuckin morons man. Fuckin morons.

Kashyn. Hippie girl, seems relatively intelligent, but she'll be showing up to class high more than once I presume. She seems like a pretty big quitter who likes to flirt with people until she gets what she wants. She's pretty cute to boot, so I'll have to fuck around with her to get her actually engaged.

Trey. Basic nigger, at least so far. I'm sure he's a good dude at heart, and we talked about some rap and whatnot a bit, but he hasn't really opened up yet.

Darren. Trey's cohort. They're both gonna come around at the same time or so. Always fucking around with each other, probably related somehow. Have to play on that some.

Now. Before people start turning me in, remember that I said this was fiction earlier? There's a good reason I said that, because if (HYPOTHETICALLY) this were real, I could get in trouble for telling the truth. Thank god it's not. Now, you male teachers (and females if that's your thing, but I don't hear about it much from my female colleagues), don't get your panties in a bunch if you're digging some girls in your class. That's perfectly natural sweety. You're supposed to want to fuck the shit out of them. There I said it. Now, where do you draw the line? Is some flirting okay? Sure, keep it PG though. Don't EVER cross any line that you wouldn't say to a hot cousin at the Thanksgiving table. Your students will be throwing it back, and you've gotta want to keep them somewhat interested until they start to see that you're more of a trustworthy authority figure, not a good fuck. I know you're walking a dangerous line, but you'll see what I'm getting at later.

Some girls are going to step up the game, don't. Back down. You lose. You wanna know why? God and everybody hates you. You are a pervert fiend as of right now. You know how you combat that? Tell everybody everything. Make teaching friends, have a mentor in the school. Whatever you do or say to students that might be even possibly construed as bad, tell everyone you know. Don't brag about it. When shit hits the fan though, and that super slutty girl you thought you might have just had something with rats you out, you can bring all your teachers to the front. "What? Mr. Soandso? Oh no, he was well aware of the situation, as was I. He made sure to handle it the best he could." Stupid slut goes to jail, etc. Trust me, communication is your friend. Evidence is your friend. You should be building a defense against every single female student you have. Every. Single. One. Take notes of what they say when you can hear em whispering. Any embarrassing thing someone says to get back at a girl, take it down. Share that shit with people you can trust. I was walking past a girl last year, she was standing up and facing away working on a project. My hand brushed her ass slightly (I'm talking not enough to really even notice it). I told at least two people and asked if I should file an informal report. This is a war, particularly in this day and age, and you need to be prepared. Any slutty girls reading this, understand that this is standard practice. We are taught this in school. We are on to your shit.

First Day

This weekend I flew home, smoked a bunch of... stuff, and drank a shitton. Then I caught a flight back and now I want to kill myself. Monday and today have been extremely taxing and my homework is piling up. I just wanted to sorta post that I'll be updating pretty much everything tomorrow. Basically, I haven't forgotten about this lil thang yet. Bear with me.

Where are you going, Where have you been?

So, just went in and raided everything, figured out mah surroundings. Here's what my supplies will be. I have one teacher's desk, one computer, one printer (all three shitty), an old TV and VCR, an old overhead projector, a projection screen with one side falling out of the wall, air conditioning (thank fucking god), and about 30 students desks. The room is huge and has basically no decorations or any shit on it. As far as books go, I've got basically nothing but the same shit they always do, which I'll be talking with other teachers about as I go. As I've already mentioned, I'll have six classes and one planning period (right after lunch, super long naptime fuck yes). My classes are like this:


Period 1: Honors (American Lit, 10th graders)
Period 2: Honors
Period 3: CP (dumbass negros who won't give a shit)
Period 4: Honors
Lunch
Period 5: Nothing at all
Period 6: Honors
Period 7: CP

Now, since I'm trying to give a leel beet o' advice for ye, I'll talk about transitions. First impressions are everything. Particularly since this teacher left these guys outright. They're going to feel abandoned, they're going to feel like they weren't worth whatever trouble they were OR that they are fated to be abandoned, especially since they're adolescents. So what am I going to do? First, I'm going to show them I'm a good guy, how do I do this? Refer to yesterday's post, I've gotta be cool and smart. First thing I'll do is come at them like an asshole. Since I'm younger, I'm going to act like I'm a super butthurt asshole whose only goal is to fuck them over. "My name is Mr. Griswold, I will be your new American Literature teacher, get out your notebooks." Then the first student who says shit, you grab a discipline report paper off your huge pile (which you MUST have to maintain order) and start writing him up. Halfway through just be like "NAW SYKE, WHATCHALL BEEN DOIN THO FORREAL?" or something. Show them you are so punk rawk and rebel. This is why you do the recon beforehand.

Right after you act like a total bro, get em laughing a lil bit, make some jokes (don't target any student yet, they're still a bit worried about you as a person) and then launch into something like "Well where have you guys been? Whatcha been learning? What kind of work has it been? (that last one is very very important, depending on the answer, and how the answer is given, you're going to know whether or not they liked it, probably they won't.) From there, start teasing them with some stuffs. "Oh so you're doing Puritanism? Ya'll study Salem yet? How about 'The Witch Trial at Mount Holly'?" This will be followed by "wat" at which point you can launch into how crazy you are about lit and how much you know. "WHAT? YOU GUYS DUNNO ABOUT THAT? LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT SOME BEN FRANKLIN YO." Etc. Also, if you are doing Brit Lit, LEARN SOME OLD ENGLISH AND READ SOME BEOWULF OR SOMETHING. Nothing shocks kids like hearing a crisp strong HWAET! early in the morning. Get everyone involved in the conversation, start learning names, they'll love the attention. You can do introductions on the first day or not, or just sorta use the day to talk to em. Don't hit em with expectations yet though, you're gonna wanna do that after a few days, make it seem like you're flying by the seat of your pants, like they have some control over their curriculum (they don't, but if they think they do, they're yours).

Finally, for the nigger classes, RELATE RELATE RELATE. "Hey guys, sup whatcha learning, whatcha do for fun, whatchat listen to?" "Aw mistah fuckface, I be lissnen ta dat Drake and shit." "Ah. Drake eh? Well, I prefer me some Bone Thugz but to each his own." "Wat, yall like dem?" "STANDIN ON THE CAHNAH STRAIGHT SLANGIN... yeah, I like em." or whatever. If you don't like rap, learn to. Also, these guys are gonna be the hardest kids to break. You wanna talk about a kid that's been fucked over since birth. You HAVE to relate to them and foster a sense of trust. Find out what they want to do and apply what you're teaching to that. Focus on grammar and whatnot for jobs if they want, don't be afraid of what they can do though. As cliche as it is, let them poetically analyze rap lyrics or w/e (not at first of course).

I'm kind of pressed for time today, gotta get drankin for my very last weekend of freedom, but I'll be sure to cover on this stuff later. Any questions, don't be afraid to comment. Oh, and I was just kidding about that dranking thing. I wouldn't stop just because I'm starting to teach.

Some preliminaries

Talked to that teacher today, I'll be getting a basic class roster the day I show up. Pretty much par for the course, though I'll be able to run in at some point tomorrow and grab the work that the last teacher was finishing up with. Turns out I'll be doing American Lit. I'll have 4 honors courses (primarily 10th with some 11th) and 2 CP (11th).

Oh. Before I go on, I feel it's necessary for me to say this now, because what I'm going to say is not the kind of shit that should be said... so IT'S ALL FAKE. I don't want to hear about anybody calling the cops on me for what I do, er, pretend to do. Whatever. It's my disclaimer, take it as you want. If you still want to believe me though, I'm not stopping you.

Seems that where the last teacher left off is at the ass-end of Puritan writings. Fun stuff. Probably start the Crucible next.

Anyways, I've been thinking about what might make this post worthwhile, and since I reckon I'll have two demographics, teachers and students, I figured I'd hit em both.

Tips for students:

1. Don't be a nigger or a dumb slut. If you're black and you walk into my classroom, I automatically lose about 50% respect in you as a person. I know it's shitty, but tough luck. You want to know how you can solve this? Don't act like a nigger or dumb slut in my class. If you wanna dress like a whore, I have no problem with that (99% of the time, it can even help your grade), but don't for the love of god be a dumb slut. I got into this profession because I love literature and I love the English language. If I loved being around kids I'd be an elementary teacher... or a sped teacher. I hate kids, I love the subject. Essentially what it boils down to is don't be a super faggot.

2. Be a bro. Remember how you were slightly nerdy in high school? (I know this because you're actually reading a blog) You used to think the teacher loved your advanced sense of humor and appreciation of the subject. Secretly, even though he laughed at them, the teacher really hated those jocky morons. Bullshit. The best of my students were bros to the max. Played on the school sports teams, had girls fawning over them, talked loudly about how drunk or high they got that weekend, that kinda shit. I'm not saying that you should only do that, but if you show some interest in my subject and are interesting to talk to outside of class (have funny stories, can actually carry on a decent conversation about non-nerdy shit) then I like you. The big point I'm making with this one is that it's pretty unbearable for teachers to deal with students who annoy them with nerdy ass diatribes about how they hate dumb students and how playing Xbox makes you something special.

3. Don't cheat. Seriously. Don't fucking do it. You're so ridiculously easy to catch it's not even amusing. This one also refers to rule 1. Of my classes last year, about 75% of the cheaters were also consistently mad-niggerish. Fuck sake, every time I read something that doesn't sound like you, a 20 second Googling is enough to implicate you. Hell, the only reason some kids got away with it last year was because I was too goddamn lazy to walk the 2 minutes to the library and find the literary criticism book on Faulkner.

Rules for teachers:

1. Don't give homework. I know you think that nothing ever gets done with meaningless morning quizzes on reading and that the best way to do things is give kids engaging homework that interests them. You have to grade that shit. Not just once. Not twenty times. One hundred times. For every assignment you hand out, ask yourself "Do I want to spend four hours drinking with friends and playing video games and having sex (with friends or not, I'm not judging you, man), or do I want to spend it grading the same fucking paper over and over again?" You don't want the latter. Just give kids essays that you only have to read once (and really only skim based on who talks to you about what topics) and explain shit in class. Class is class, home is home.

2. Don't get risque with doucher students. If a student looks like a faggot who can't handle a gay joke in class, don't say it. Wait till he's out. Wait till all those sensitive bitches are out to be bros with your kids. You will save yourself a lot of hassle. I've called numerous students gay, IN FRONT OF OTHER STUDENTS. I've called people morons, idiots, jagoffs, whatever. Just know who it's cool to do it with and who it isn't. Also, never insult girls (this rule doesn't work the opposite way, that is with a female teacher and male students. They don't give a fuck what you call them. Unless you're super ugly and bitchy.)

3. Use everything you've got against your students. People always talk about how you're on the same team. Bullshit. No student wants to learn, and you have to do everything you can to make them learn. Be knowledgeable. Nothing impresses a dude more than him being a smarmy fuck and asking "Well yeah, but what happens when blah blah blah?" and you answering him instantly with a dead-pan face. First, the bastard will learn not to showoff, second, everyone else will realize you know your shit. Be cool. Smoke outside of school, ride a motorcycle, whatever. Make them want to be you. Bonus points here if you can pull off the attitude. Nothing makes a kid want to emulate you and learn more than a "FUCK YOU AUTHORITY" attitude. Not to mention it'll energize them. The best class is the class they leave highlighting. "Holy crap, did you see him jump out of the FUCKING WINDOW" is a thousand times better than "I'm sick and tired [topic they are learning]." Finally, and this is part of being cool, but particularly tailored for students of the opposite sex. Be sexy. If girls want to fuck you, they will want to impress you, and therefore they will want to learn the shit you say. A simple "Yeah, my girlfriend is really into literature, it's what I love most about her," followed two days later by some offhand breakup comment and those girls will be LEARNING THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING.

This post isn't really going anywhere today, but I'll be taking a look at exactly where the last teacher left off tomorrow, so expect some comments on that.

A Purpose

Well, this blog finally has a reasonable purpose.

I'm in school to be a high school English teacher. In the state I'm in, it doesn't require that you have a degree to substitute, and since I've got a high school diploma, I'm basically certified. I love this state. I've met a substitute teacher that is literally retarded. Seriously. She can't function properly. She teaches children. Anyways, I'm a substitute teacher, and I've got some decent experience. Last summer, once college had almost let out, while high school was still in session, I got tapped to do a long term job. Basically, two teachers had walked out on a class within a year and they weren't going to hire a teacher for the final month. It was good experience and it showed me how much I hate kids, how much I hate teaching, how much I hate teachers, and how much shit I can get away with. It was a good year. I got to hang with some cool students, make fun of others, give kids HW I didn't grade. Full-on fuckery. Yeah, teachers really are assholes. Y'know how you get convinced that a teacher hates you and is plotting against you? You're right. I hate you. My goal in life is to make yours miserable.

They called me this morning to do another job. A teacher that they were expecting to leave after Christmas just called and said they weren't going to be able to make it next week, or any time after that. Guess who they called to finish the semester. Fuck yeah, I get a cool 75 bucks a day to deal with the lil fuckers and basically screw around. I've talked to most of my professors and the classes that weren't already in the evening can be worked around. I love being a suckup student.

Anyways, this is going to be a blog about teaching. I'm going to let you in on all my dirty little secrets as a teacher, and to any aspiring teachers, no matter how naive you are when it comes to teaching and this ridiculous ideal of loving every kid and giving every special flower attention, I'll be giving you special tips. I learned the hard way how to fake grade assignments. Took me about two nights of get home, grade, eat, grade, sleep go to school, repeat before I figured that out. Took me about a week before I realized that I could half-ass just about everything. Now I'm going to let you in on the secret, and who knows, maybe the little cocks will be halfway entertaining.

PS I'll be going in for my first day Monday, still gotta smooth out some shit at college and get ready some. You can't literally just go in with no lesson plan. Actually you can. But I'd like to know a little bit about the class I'm teaching. Sun Tzu once said it, and I live by it. "It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles"

TL;DR I am a teacher and I looooove kids.

What the fuck?

So, I've never blogged before, but I'm fairly certain I just added myself as a follower. I don't give a shit about social sites, and really the only reason I'm blogging is so I can make some money. In fact I'm really hoping people give a fuck about what I whine about. Question though: Google, does it seem like a good idea to even allow people to follow themselves? What kind of narcissism are you trying to breed here? Is it an attempt to foster the adolescent girl's dream of the world literally orbiting around them (yeah, the world orbits around something, doesn't revolve around anything but an axis, dipshits). I know the internet is pretty idiot friendly, but really, someone needs to check this shit. Could I follow me following me? Could I follow me following me following me? I want to make a post and have 7,000 new emails letting me know that I just posted. In case I forgot that I posted. Come to think about it, unless you're targeting 14 year old girls, the only real target for this entire concept is... people with Alzheimer's. What do you have against old people with aluminum in their brains Google? What did they ever do to you?

CONSPURACY

I was talking with some folks today at my local institution of higher learning. The desultory talk kind of roamed around and around until we eventually got to the topic of conspiracies. I forget how we got there. I feel like the reason was relevant to the understanding of my post, but fuck you, the reader. Anyways. Turns out like all of my friends believe in government conspiracies. Not conspiracies like "Facebook is taking your personal information and selling it to the government and advertising agencies." No. As it turns out, my friends, well my acquaintances now. My group of people I ignore when it comes to topics of any importance, believe that there are people in charge of the world. They believe that a group of nearly omniscient people run almost every important government on Earth. They believe that China, America, England, Russia, Kyrgyzstan and all the other countries that manage to influence every person on this rock are all run by some shadowy group of Illuminati or something. Jesus fuck. What about humanity suggests that we could possibly control the world. Bill Clinton could not cover up a dick sucking. Do you know how easy that shit is to keep on the DL? God, I managed to do it with my best friend's girlfriend for months without getting caught. Getting blown that is. I wasn't secretly President of a two-person country. Seriously though, can you imagine what kind of intelligence it would take to run the world? We can't even figure out how to make toilet paper more efficient. We are still literally grabbing a tissue, putting it on our fingers like a glove made of water, and shoving it inside of our assholes. Assholes covered in poop no less. I wish I could plan a conspiracy. I wish I knew anyone who could plan a conspiracy. Hell, if you have any conspiracies, let me in, just so I can say I conspired against someone. By the way, for those of you that believe the CIA has the resources to conspire against you, don't forget Project MKULTRA. Where they believed they could control people's minds by playing the same message over and over again for about 17 hours a day. I dunno about you, but after the 16th hour of hearing "YOU ARE A SLAVE, YOU LIVE TO SERVE THE GOVERNMENT," I think I might pick up on the subtle manipulation. Conspiracy theorists. Awesome.